Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015) is a kolossal waste of time and energy. #SharkWeak2 Review

Sometime in the future, the world has yet to recover from the last mega shark attack. A voiceover tells us that the near total halt of global shipping plus a general avoidance of the coast and water by the population of the world has had a devastating economic impact. We’re told this over footage of a packed Rio De Janeiro beach.

Meanwhile, a Russian trawler inadvertently recovers a megalodon egg, causing it to hatch and releasing a new Mega Shark to menace the world. With the navy proving ineffective, humanity’s only hope may be a top-secret cold war superweapon: the Kolossus.

There’s a new level of sloppiness in the special effects for this fourth instalment, with various different CGI models used to represent the same vessels regardless of how different they may look. Its symbolic of a lack of caring at all for what makes it to the screen. The shark looks as fake and stiff as usual although there are one or two money shots where you can see they splashed out a little to get the CGI tuned up. The Kolossus, itself a reskin of the CGI model from The Asylum’s “Atlantic Rim”, is variable in quality too but adequate for one of these mockbusters.

Where the film really plumbs the depths is in the performances of the lowest rent cast the series has boasted so far. The punch-up between the megalodon and the Kolossus isn’t the only titanic struggle contained in the film, there’s the bitter battle between Ernest Thomas (as Admiral Jackson) and Illeana Douglas (as Dr Alison Gray) to see who can deliver the most atrocious performance in the movie (‘Team Unicorn’ – who I guess qualify as this instalment’s ‘special’ guest star – are no slouches in the lousy acting stakes either).

Nonsensical, shouty and just plain boring, this is easily the worst of the four (so far) mega shark movies. It’s not even about the sharks anymore, it’s just a hollow vehicle to string together some poorly animated digital smackdowns while paying lip service to the idea of a narrative. The fights are cartoony and stupid, the characters even stupider and the whole thing is put together with a contempt for the audience and the subject that borders on abusive. The Mega Shark franchise has run its course and this film is when it jumps over itself. The most horrifying thing about this interest-free action movie is the tease at the end of a further Mega Shark adventure. At this point, it feels more like a threat than a promise.


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