Hello? Advertising Standards Agency? I have a complaint about 5-Headed Shark Attack (2017) #SharkWeak2 Review

The latest entry in the polycephalic Carcharodon carry-on opens with a decidedly mono-mouthed shark swimming through the ocean. *rings trade descriptions*

Oh wait, it’s a fake-out. It’s actually just a regular great white; a snack for the real monster… *starts to put phone down*

…which has four heads??? *snatches up phone again*

Once again, the production values have edged up a notch over the previous instalment. With no money frittered away on a big-name guest star this time out, there’s more cash to splash on making the shark look half-way decent. It’s a shame, therefore that for most of the movie, it delivers 20% less head than it promises.

When a photographer and his models are attacked and killed in shark attack on their yacht, his recovered camera hints at a multi-headed monster terrorising the waters around Puerto Rico. Its up to a bunch of unremarkable characters to board their boats and lean out unwisely over the edge every so often in an attempt to catch or kill the creature.

Given the title and lineage of this movie, there’s little need to be coy anymore so the shark appears early and often, multiply munching its way through the forgettable cast until it hits the required runtime and it can be blown up. So far so routine. That the shark spends so much of the movie with just four heads is just plain weird, especially as “3-Headed Shark Attack” ended with a genuinely 5-headed shark after Machete’s ‘Fail, Hydra!’ moment. When the shark finally rears its fifth head, that’s literally what it does as its caudal fin abruptly and arbitrarily becomes a fifth head (yet doesn’t impede its ability to swim at all). So with four heads in the front and one in the rear, you may be asking where does the shark shit come out of? The answer is: The Asylum’s writer’s room.

Aside from the eponymous multi-mouthed monster, “5-Headed Shark Attack” is a dispiritingly generic bad shark movie. Stepping away from the adult nudity of the previous franchise entries, this one is firmly back to the tame titillation of using bikini-clad models for the penta-mawed behemoth. The big effects set pieces are balanced by a lot of the cast standing around in big dialogue-heavy scenes, something they’re not that great at by the way. It’s so very, very talky and so very, very stupid. It’s also pretty boring as it slouches through a lazy tick box of bad shark movie tropes without wit or even enthusiasm. Initial multi-kill? Check. Sceptical authorities? Check. Improbable helicopter attack? Check *Yawn*

What started as a daft but fun monster multiplier has, over the course of three movies, become a tiresome cliché which shows no signs of stopping or, indeed, self-awareness. There’s already another instalment: “6-Headed Shark Attack” but we can only hope that one day we’ll get a fully Ouroboric Shark Attack and this franchise will eat itself.

1/10 

logo

Related posts

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022) Review

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022) Review


Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022) Review

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, lost in grief, volunteers as tribute.Setting a new standard for “in media res”, Marvel’s BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA FOREVER opens with a scene which echoes the ongoing Phase’s preoccupation with the multiverse only this time it’s a metatextual incursion as...

A rerun of the Richard Whiteley TV quiz show contains more horror than Countdown (2019)

A rerun of the Richard Whiteley TV quiz show contains more horror than Countdown (2019)


A rerun of the Richard Whiteley TV quiz show contains more horror than Countdown (2019)

The ubiquity of mobile phones and apps in daily life is ripe for exploration and a horror film is a perfect vehicle to explore the darker side of our societal obsession in a clever and insightful way. Unfortunately, there’s nothing remotely clever or insightful about the stupid and inconsistent...

Team America: World Police (2005) marks its 15th anniversary by being slightly less alarming than present day American foreign policy

Team America: World Police (2005) marks its 15th anniversary by being slightly less alarming than present day American foreign policy


Team America: World Police (2005) marks its 15th anniversary by being slightly less alarming than present day American foreign policy

Back in the heady days when ‘America: f**k yeah!’ was hilarious satirical hyperbole rather than a Presidential election-winning political philosophy, the creators of South Park set out to spoof the overbearing machismo of Michael Bay-style action cinema through an inspired homage to the genius...

Scars Of Dracula (1970) Dractober Review

Scars Of Dracula (1970) Dractober Review


Scars Of Dracula (1970) Dractober Review

Awakened by a bat vomiting blood onto his desiccated remains (we've all had nights like that, right?), Dracula (Christopher Lee) returns to life, back in his castle and ready to take in the local nightlife. Outraged at the Count’s tendency to nibble his way through their town’s young women, the...