Shark Exorcist (2016) #SharkWeak2 Review

This weird, excruciatingly badly made movie opens on a nun walking through a graveyard while a newscast voiceover reports a local nun accused of murdering and torturing thirteen local boys and girls. It’s one of a number of things the movie talks about but never shows us. But given the quality of what it does show us, we should count our blessings.

When a murderous nun summons Satan to a small town, the prince of darkness manifests as a poorly animated CGI shark and stations himself in the local lake, all the better to feed on the souls of unwary swimmers and maybe possess them too. Or maybe there’s a coven of witches who are resurrecting people, or the nun is murdering people and dumping them in the lake. It’s hard to be sure, really because the filmmakers clearly had no coherent idea of what they were doing. No wonder they called in a priest.

Remember those blessings I told you to count? Best count ‘em again because if you’re still watching this movie they’re clearly in short supply. “Shark Exorcist” takes us right back into the murky amateur depths of “Jurassic Shark” and “Raiders Of The Lost Shark“, it’s that ‘home made’. Admittedly, it’s a pretty unique beginning for the first kill of a bad shark movie to be a brutal stabbing by a nun, but that’s about the only thing this woe-begotten waste of an hour can blasphemuster.

This am-dram shark slam is laughably hopeless, evidenced by the shark’s first ‘live’ victim struggling and thrashing around when the CGI footage shows it still swimming lazily towards her. Plucked from the water, she’s clearly suffered a devastating encounter with a ketchup bottle that has life-changing consequences.

They’re really proud of this shot, it’s not glimpsed briefly but shown, repeatedly, in all its ketchupy glory.

As it stumbles onwards, it relies on apparent possession by the demon shark to further its – for want of a better word – plot and cover up for the fact it has nowhere near enough budget to cover any more footage of the shark itself. Unfortunately, the acting is abysmal so where you need terror and intensity you get awkwardness and absurdity.

Breathtakingly inept and prodigiously stupid, it quickly gets a bit weird and creepy and then uncomfortably lascivious; writer/ director Donald Farmer sure has some understanding and game friends. At some point, you have to just assume it’s all a joke; like it can’t be a serious attempt at making a film. I hope they all had fun making this ‘movie’ because I sure as shit didn’t have any watching it.

0/10 

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