How Thanos Stole Christmas
by The Craggus & Dr Seuss
Every hero in Marvel liked Christmas a lot…
But Thanos who lived madly on Titan, did NOT!
Thanos hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be the loss of his world’s population,
Who feasted and partied themselves into starvation.
But I think that the most likely cause of his moans,
May have been his glove’s lack of infinity stones.
Whatever the reason, his mission was clear,
He had to get rid of half of Christmas cheer.
Staring down from his floating chair with a grin,
He knew what it’s like both to lose and to win.
To do what he wanted, six gems universe-wide,
Must be gathered and in his fine gauntlet reside!
“I will get those six gems!” he snarled with a sneer,
“And then we’ll see about this Christmas cheer!”
Then he growled, with his mauve fingers chillingly drumming,
“A snap of my fingers will stop Christmas coming!”
For the first one, the purple and powerful stone,
Would be his to control, his to wield, his to own.
And then! Oh, the blue! Oh, the blue Tesseract!
The one leant to Loki, he must have it back!
The Collector, that white-haired loon from Knowhere,
Would give him the reality stone, red and fair.
That left only three that he needed to find,
But the orangey soul stone was most on his mind.
He sent Cull and Maw to Earth for he knew
It was the home of the other infini-two
Two stones were kept there, one of time and of mind,
But the orange soul stone had him trapped in a bind.
The Red Skull demanded a big sacrifice,
Something precious that Thanos wouldn’t give in a trice.
He’d have to do something he liked least of all,
He’d have to let poor sweet Gamora just fall,
Into the depths of the chasm on frosty Vormir
To get his hands on the soul stone this year.
With the stones brought together, the Christmas bells tolled,
Half of a lot of things would stop getting old.
And the more Thanos thought of his new cosmic might,
The more Thanos thought, “I must stop this Christmas tonight!”
“Why, for infinite years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THANOS GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” Thanos laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Titan trick!”
“With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!”
“All I need is a reindeer…” Thanos looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Thanos had been too keen to snap snap snap snap
And the number of reindeers left? A mishap!
“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called Corvus Glaive and he took some red thread,
And he tied some big horns to the top of Glaive’s head.
Then he loaded some weapons and legions of troops,
Onto his giant spaceship and then off he did swoop
Thanos said, “This Christmas exacts a heavier toll”
And pointed his gauntlet towards the North Pole.
All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
As Earth’s Mightiest Heroes slumbered on without care.
When Thanos arrived in the Headquarters base,
He cried “Destiny arrives!” and flew down from space,
And he climbed to the roof, gauntlet clenched in a fist.
Then he clicked all his fingers with a snap and a twist.
The gems’ power reached out, orange, red, yellow, blue,
Purple and green down the great fireplace flue.
Where the Avengers’ stockings all hung neat in a row.
“These stockings,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he turned to the camera, with a grin most unpleasant,
And around the whole room, dusted half of the presents!
A shield! Some new arrows! New goggles for Falcon!
War Machine’s cannon! A Black Widow wagon!
He turned them to dust. Then Thanos, very nimbly,
Hoovered all of it up, all the dust, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took out the feast!
He ate half of the pudding and half the roast beef!
He drank half the liquor as quick as a flash.
Why, Thanos even ate half of Vision’s paprikash!
He stuffed all the food in his crinkle-chinned gob.
“NOW!” grinned Thanos, “That should make them all sob!”
And Thanos grabbed the tree, and he started to shake,
When he heard a small sound like a twig start to break.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small root!
Which led his eyes upwards to the face of young Groot.
Thanos had been caught by this tiny wood Guardian,
Who’d got out of bed to see what was a-happenin’.
He stared at the Titan and said, “I am Groot,”
“I am Groot, I am Groot? I am Groot – I am Groot!”
But, you know, that old Titan was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tree,” Thanos Claus lied,
“There’s a light on this fir that won’t light on one side.”
“So I’m taking it home to my workshop, my dear.”
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And his fib fooled young Groot even though the tree thought
Rocket Racoon could fix the tree light spit pot.
And when Groot went to bed, satisfied by the story,
Thanos stole half the tinsel and revelled in glory!
The last thing Thanos took was the log from the fire!
He snapped it in half, not to ash the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the divided in two Christmas left by his plan,
Wasn’t big enough, not even for the Ant-Man.
Then Thanos did the same thing to other super teams,
The X-Men and Venom lost half Christmas dreams.
While the Fantastic Four were asleep still a-bed,
Thanos left fantastic gifts for two instead.
He snapped away presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Across the whole universe, cinematic or not,
Thanos was pleased with the result of his plot.
“I’ve saved infinite Christmas!” he was actually humming.
“They’ll have to make do; half less Christmas is coming!”
“They will soon wake up! I know just what they’ll do!”
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the heroes of Marvel will all cry Boo-Hoo!”
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Titan, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And Thanos put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up into space.
Thanos looked quite aghast; confused was his face.
The sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Earth now! Thanos popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Hero on Earth now, from Hulk to Hawkeye,
Were laughing and singing, not one of them cried!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Whole or in half, it came just the same!
And Thanos, with his gauntlet ice-cold from the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came without ribbons! It came without tags!”
“It came without packages, boxes or bags!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Thanos thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t use up resources for presents”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…comes from something more pleasant!”
And what happened then? Well…ask Thor and he’ll say,
It wasn’t the head, but the heart aimed for that day.
All of a sudden Thanos’ heart felt happy and bright,
And he whizzed back to Earth un-snapping with delight.
And he brought back the presents! A hairbrush for Nebula,
He brought back Gamora, and claimed he was teasing her,
When he tossed her right off the edge of that cliff,
He just wanted to surprise her, to show her what if,
Her mean bad old dad changed and made Christmas the best,
Allowing Avengers a well-earned seasonal rest.
With one snap of the gauntlet, Thanos conjured a feast,
A peace offering the heroes didn’t mind in the least,
Now Thanos’ Christmas spirit was warmer,
And all was forgiven when he paid for the shawarma.