With apologies to Lou Bega…

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Rambo – number five…

One, two, three, four, five
If you harm John’s niece you won’t stay alive
When the drug lords come from south the border
They think they can take John Rambo
But ain’t ready for the slaughter

Living life on a quiet farm
Rambo makes sure his family comes to no harm
But when his niece wants to see her dad in Mexico
Rambo pleads with her cos he really wants her not to go
So what does she do? Of course she heads southward
But her dad says go away so she heads to a club
Where she drinks spiked drink and is taken by the mob

A little bit of slashing with a knife
A little bit of gunplay, take a life
A dumbly MAGA view of Mexico
Across the border, easy come and go.
Drugs and sex, bad guys don’t care.
Manage to take Rambo unaware
A little bit of flashback to Vietnam
Makes John a dangerous, crazy man

Rambo Number Five

Quality’s up and down through the franchise
To stop at number four
Would have been really wise
But here we are
A fifth movie
Some of the acting wooden as a tree
But the last half hour – is what you came to see
And if you like violence, you’ll cackle with glee

A little bit of amped-up Home Alone
A little bit of viscera and bone
A little bit the end of Hobbs & Shaw
When angry Rambo goes to war
Arbitrarily bilingual
You won’t care for dialogue at all
Sly’s old and thinning pate of hair
Can’t excuse this Trumpian nightmare

Rambo Number Five

It gives me no pleasure to say
That maybe John Rambo’s had his day
This film is easily worst of the lot
Although it’s got not too bad a plot
It just needed some more energy
And a script polish or three
Some of the action’s pretty great
But by that point it’s far too late

It time to let go of the guy called John Rambo
I hope Sly doesn’t feel the need
For a next gen spin-off just like “Creed”.

Rambo Number Five