Big Liam can’t come quickly enough for those unfortunate enough to find themselves watching Seize Them!

SEIZE THEM! is one of those curious British comedies that emerge every once in a while that make you pause to take stock and ask yourself “Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?”

When the reign of spoiled and cruel Queen Dagan (Aimee Lou Wood) is brought to an abrupt end by a peasant uprising led by Humble Joan (Nicola Coughlan), faithful servant Shulmay (Lolly Adefope) helps the deposed despot to flee. As they travel across the country, hunted and in search of allies, accompanied by redoubtable shit shoveller Bobic (Nick Frost), Queen Dagan finds herself forced to confront some unexpected truths.

There’s something depressing about seeing the Elmlea of British Comedy congealing in this curdled attempt at historic comedy which, if nothing else, demonstrates that the original HORRIBLE HISTORIES gang really had something special that’s not at all easy to replicate.

Leadenly acted, clumsily plotted and witlessly scripted, it’s hard to know where to place the bulk of the blame for this excessively foul-mouthed misfire. Such is the dreary and ploddingly puerile of the script that you might imagine the cast would have been given free reign by director XXXX to adlib and try to inject some actual wit into proceedings but any attempts at spontaneity seem to take the form of gratuitously repetitive swearing – an understandable fourth-wall breaking cry for help from the cast as they realise the unbelievably poor shitshow they’ve signed up for. You have to wonder how many agents were released after inking this deal.

The bad language is, in the end, the most inexplicable decision made in this confection of bad creative choices: it immediately excludes potentially the only audience who would possibly have embraced this garbage: the under-10s. Had SEIZE THEM! Dialled down the language and cranked up the slapstick silliness, it might just have worked but as it stands, you can’t just spray a substandard HORRIBLE HISTORIES knock-off with profane verbal diarrhoea and call it an adult comedy.

Everyone involved in this could and should have done better, but in the end it’s the audience that suffered the most.

Seize Them! Review
Score 2/10

Related posts

Cars 3 (2017) Review

Cars 3 (2017) Review

“Cars 3” begins by doing what most right-thinking people do, which is pretending “Cars 2” simply doesn’t exist. It then moves on to hoping you don’t really remember “Cars” particularly well as it sets out to tell the same story once again, only this time it’s Lightning McQueen who’s the...

Mary And The Witch’s Flower (2018) puts Craggus and the Craggling under its spell.

Mary And The Witch's Flower (2018) puts Craggus and the Craggling under its spell.

Recently, the littlest Craggling has been tentatively spreading her cinematic wings beyond the admittedly lush and verdant shores of Disney, Pixar, Illumination and exploring other options. We’ve watched Wes Anderson’s “The Fantastic Mr Fox” and, recently, “Kiki’s Delivery Service” so when we...

The Pool (2020) Review

The Pool (2020) Review

The Pool takes a dive off the deep end of zemblanity.Left alone to finish cleaning out an abandoned 6-metre-deep outdoor swimming pool, Day (Theeradej Wongpuapan) goofs around and falls asleep on an inflatable raft. When he wakes, the water level has dropped so low that he...

Featuring a scene-stealing cameo from Vincent Price, Kenny Everett’s Bloodbath At The House Of Death (1984) is a horror comedy in the best possible taste!

Featuring a scene-stealing cameo from Vincent Price, Kenny Everett's Bloodbath At The House Of Death (1984) is a horror comedy in the best possible taste!

They don’t make movie stars like Vincent Price anymore – and even when they did, they didn’t make many of them. As well as his prodigious output as an actor, Price was also a well-travelled, learned man with a particular penchant for art and art history and gourmet cookery. A consummate...