Shark WeakFinally, on screen together for the first time, two iconic titans duke it out for ocean supremacy and there’s not a Martha in sight to bring the throw down to a halt. When the deployment of a low-frequency sonar array causes a pod of whales to go berserk and start head-butting a glacier and somehow ..
Shark WeakA movie so non-union equivalent it could have been directed by Senor Spielbergo himself, “Shark In Venice” dives deep into classic Spielbergian action adventure (in ambition if not quite execution) and boasts a cast led by undeniable Hollywood A-list-adjacent talent. When his father disappears while diving in the city of Venice, David ([Stephen] Baldwin) travels ..
Shark Weak“Swamp Shark” sees us returning to the safe waters of the insert-unusual-place-in-front-of-the-word-‘shark’ format and this time we’re back in the Louisiana bayou for a third time, once again in the company of Kristy Swanson, this time tackling our first proper cryptid critter of #SharkWeak2. When an animal smuggler accidentally releases a rare and exotic shark ..
Shark WeakFun is also in short supply in “Shark Night 3D”, a cynical and insufferable shark movie which somehow managed to get itself a theatrical release despite it being really, really awful. Sara (Sara Paxton) and her friends set out to spend a fun-filled weekend at her lake house on the shores of Louisiana’s Lake Pontchartrain. ..
Shark WeakThis weird, excruciatingly badly made movie opens on a nun walking through a graveyard while a newscast voiceover reports a local nun accused of murdering and torturing thirteen local boys and girls. It’s one of a number of things the movie talks about but never shows us. But given the quality of what it does ..
Shark WeakOnce in a while, you come across a film which completely upends any assumptions or expectations you have. As I crawl wearily to the end of this far too long stretch of bad shark movies for #SharkWeak2, “House Shark” has done just that. It may be a cheap, nonsensical under-funded Indiegogo project but it’s also ..
Shark WeakThere’s no denying the ambition of this frankly barmy entry in the sharksploitation oeuvre, opening as it does with an ominous montage of underwater scenes intercut with Cold War newsreel footage and Robert Oppenheimer quotes. It’s the closest we get to a real explanation of how the shark became nuclear, so just go with it. ..
Shark WeakThe latest entry in the polycephalic Carcharodon carry-on opens with a decidedly mono-mouthed shark swimming through the ocean. *rings trade descriptions* Oh wait, it’s a fake-out. It’s actually just a regular great white; a snack for the real monster… *starts to put phone down* …which has four heads??? *snatches up phone again* Once again, the ..
Shark WeakWhen an arctic research station finds itself under attack from aggressive sharks and the break up of the ice shelf it’s built on, the crew must struggle against the odds to survive long enough to be rescued. There’s a lot that’s confused about this Asylum production and yet it’s one of few bad shark movies ..
Shark Weak“Sharkzilla”, known everywhere apart from the UK as “Megalodon”, is a 2004 TV movie set on a deep sea oil rig which breaks through to a hidden undersea ocean. If that sounds familiar, it bears an uncanny resemblance to the first two-thirds of “The Meg”, although this film manages to tell the story without once ..
Shark Weak“Shark Week”, very much not to be confused with the annual Discovery Channel documentary-thon, begins mis-en-scene, with Tiburon (an almost unrecognisable Patrick Bergen) taunting his poolside victim like a cut-price Bond villain/ Jigsaw hybrid. Ultimately our unfortunate introductory victim takes the plunge and bites the big one…well, gets bitten by the big one. So begins ..
Shark WeakToo short to be a miniseries but too long, really, to be a movie, this Hallmark production weighs in at a whale shark-esque two hours and forty minutes, which is a long time to endure a bad shark movie, so it’s a good thing this one is – believe it or not – actually halfway ..
Shark WeakA tiny bit of a step down from the glossy multiplex-friendly “Deep Blue Sea”, this 2003 TV movie may dial down the star wattage somewhat but it doesn’t turn the lights out completely: Lou Diamond Phillips! Kristy Swanson! Coolio! I mean, come on – what more could you want? Down-on-his-luck boat owner John Sanders is ..
Shark Weak“Empire Of The Sharks” scores an early win with a mention of ‘trained ninja sharks’, a formidable weapon on a post-apocalyptic, flooded ecosystem. A biosphere covered entirely in water. An oceanic globe. An aquatic planet. Hmm. If only there was an easy way of saying it… On a future earth where 98% of the surface ..
Shark WeakConceptually, this may be one of the best bad shark movies ever. I mean, it’s still terrible, but what an idea! With tongue firmly in see-through cheek, this is one of the funniest and most fun bad shark movies ever made. When rednecks on a dynamite fishing trip kill a great white shark, its body ..
Shark WeakSubtitles? Oh cool – this is a Japanese monster shark movie. We’ve seen what they make of giant atomic dinosaur lizards, so I can’t wait to see what they make of a giant killer shark. Except we’ll just have to – wait, that is – because most of the brief 69 minute running time is ..
Shark WeakSpending a semester at sea conducting research sounds like a dream come true, right? Not when your expedition finds itself under attack from a mutated two-headed shark! Thankfully the boat is stranded near an abandoned atoll but when the atoll itself starts sinking, no one is safe from the monster! Given the title monster has ..
Shark WeakSo it’s come to this: The Last Sharknado. Can I get that in writing? Me and the Sharknado films have had quite the trajectory. At first I was like: ‘this is a joke’. Then I was like, ‘No, seriously, is this a joke?’ And then I was like ‘okay, that was actually pretty funny’ followed ..
Shark WeakWhile the idea of sharks as merciless killers of the sea is older than Shakespeare’s ‘ravin’d salt-sea shark’, the idea that sharks posed a risk to the land-dwelling general population is just over a century old. In 1916, between July 1st and July 12th 1916, five shark attacks occurred along the New Jersey shore which ..
Shark WeakSometime in the future, the world has yet to recover from the last mega shark attack. A voiceover tells us that the near total halt of global shipping plus a general avoidance of the coast and water by the population of the world has had a devastating economic impact. We’re told this over footage of ..
Shark WeakPreviously, on “Mega Shark vs…”, our fishy anti-hero and his reptilian rival were poached to death by an underwater volcano, and it would appear that was indeed that. But fear not, a drought in the Mediterranean has prompted an entrepreneur to tow an iceberg to the afflicted area but – wouldn’t you know it – ..
Shark WeakFittingly, we open #SharkWeak2 not with a terrible shark movie, but with a surprisingly seminal one with many of the modern sharksploitation tropes finding their roots in this turn of the millennium action adventure. When rogue scientist Dr Susan McAlester (Saffron Burrows) makes a last-ditch appeal to her corporate sponsor Russell Franklin (Samuel L Jackson) ..
Shark WeakA 3-headed shark suddenly attacks a group of partying teenagers, killing all of them except one who was on a buoy while the rest of the teens were at the beach. The shark then proceeds to attack the Persephone, an underwater research facility studying the Pacific Garbage Patch. Some of the research personnel manage to ..
Shark WeakThe thing I love about sharksploitation movies is they’re generally fun. Fun is a big part of the appeal, even when – or maybe especially when – they’re bad. “The Reef” is not a bad movie, but it’s also definitely not a fun movie. When a group of friends find themselves stranded on a capsized ..
Shark WeakAs a long-time reader of Steve Alten’s pulpy aquatic horror novels and a fan of shark movies – bad and good – I’ve long been hoping for a movie adaptation. Unfortunately, “The Meg” always seemed to find itself trapped in development hell, much like the eponymous monster is trapped beneath the thermal barrier at the ..
Shark Weak“Malibu Shark Attack” opens with that old favourite, an undersea landslide. This one apparently releases some long-extinct sharks who we’ll get to later. First of all, like the Spinosaurus in “Jurassic Park 3”, the main monster of this movie has to demonstrate its prowess early on by symbolically taking out the previously assumed ‘daddy’ of ..
Shark WeakWe’re back in the realms of mad science with 2005’s “Sharkman” (the internet’s most often confused movie. It’s sometimes called “Hammerhead” and not to be confused with the apparently unavailable (believe me I tried) 2001 film “Sharkman” from which I think the poster I’ve used is taken but plenty of other sites credit this to ..
Shark WeakWay down deep in the middle of the Congo, an illegal diamond mining operation unearths a giant 150-foot crocodile because of course it does. At the same time, in the middle of the Atlantic, the US Navy warship USS Gibson (haha geddit? Because Debbie Gibson was in the first one but isn’t in this one. ..