Slender Man (2018) Review

It’s not easy to ignore how crass and tasteless this film feels given the real-life incident which the infamous internet phenomenon gave rise to. It’s even harder when, with the release of this film, the creepypasta meme is now responsible for yet another real-life atrocity. In a small Massachusetts town, four friends decide to summon … Continue reading Slender Man (2018) Review

5-Headed Shark Attack (2017) #SharkWeak2 Review

The latest entry in the polycephalic Carcharodon carry-on opens with a decidedly mono-mouthed shark swimming through the ocean. *rings trade descriptions* Oh wait, it's a fake-out. It’s actually just a regular great white; a snack for the real monster... *starts to put phone down* ...which has four heads??? *snatches up phone again* Once again, the … Continue reading 5-Headed Shark Attack (2017) #SharkWeak2 Review

Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015) #SharkWeak2 Review

Sometime in the future, the world has yet to recover from the last mega shark attack. A voiceover tells us that the near total halt of global shipping plus a general avoidance of the coast and water by the population of the world has had a devastating economic impact. We’re told this over footage of … Continue reading Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015) #SharkWeak2 Review

Shark Week (2012) #SharkWeak2 Review

“Shark Week”, very much not to be confused with the annual Discovery Channel documentary-thon, begins mis-en-scene, with Tiburon (an almost unrecognisable Patrick Bergen) taunting his poolside victim like a cut-price Bond villain/ Jigsaw hybrid. Ultimately our unfortunate introductory victim takes the plunge and bites the big one...well, gets bitten by the big one. So begins … Continue reading Shark Week (2012) #SharkWeak2 Review

United Passions (2015) Review

With the World Cup kicking off in Russia today, what better time to review that great footballing drama “United Passions”? Inspired by actual events but mendaciously crafted to launder the true story and, quite probably, create an opportunistic "The Producers"-style tax write off, “United Passions” is such a bald-faced work of propaganda that you almost … Continue reading United Passions (2015) Review

Dark Forest (2015) Review

It’s not often that Sweetie G and I disagree strongly about a movie, except of course for “World War Z” but we don’t have time to get in that here. Suffice to say, when we were asked to take a look at independent Canadian horror who could have guessed it would bear comparison to that … Continue reading Dark Forest (2015) Review

Requiem Series Review

When the BBC announced its New Year’s line-up of “McMafia”, “Hard Sun”, “Collateral” and “Requiem” there was a great deal of hype and hope for their upcoming drama slate. Unfortunately, all of them have been a complete waste of licence payer’s money and clear evidence that the broadcaster needs to take a long look at … Continue reading Requiem Series Review

Fifty Shades Freed (2018) Review

You like it rough? Then this is the movie for you. The acting’s pretty rough and the script’s sadistically punishing too. With the everyday, relatable trials and tribulations of courtship such as romantic misunderstandings, contractual disputes over sexual obligations and helicopter crashes behind them, Anna (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) settle contentedly into married … Continue reading Fifty Shades Freed (2018) Review

Bright (2017) Review

There are times when you just need to take a step back and acknowledge that a paragon has been reached and there's absolutely nothing you can contribute, no new perspective or trenchant insight you can add to what's already been done that would move it even a nanometer closer to perfection. So it is with … Continue reading Bright (2017) Review

The Room (2003) Review

Infamous, bordering on legendary, “The Room”, reigning champion of The Worst Movie Ever MadeTM has long been a treasured guilty…if not pleasure, then amusement for movie fans but thanks to James Franco’s forthcoming making-of docu-comedy “The Disaster Artist”, a whole new audience are becoming aware of it. Do they know what they’re letting themselves in for? … Continue reading The Room (2003) Review

Raiders Of The Lost Shark (2015) #SharkWeak Review

Sharks are fascinating creatures, worthy of protection and study, their place in the oceanic food chain more complex and precious than we realised. But we’re not here for a nature documentary. No, no no. We’re here to revel in the myth of the shark as nature’s soulless, remorseless, evil, killing machine and sensationalist budget movies’ … Continue reading Raiders Of The Lost Shark (2015) #SharkWeak Review

50 Shades Of Black (2016) Review

I love a good parody movie, I really do. I also like Marlon Wayans, I think he’s a talented and funny performer with great comic timing and physicality. That being said, “50 Shades Of Black” is so crassly, unforgivably unfunny that it just makes me sad. These comedies usually have a hit and miss approach … Continue reading 50 Shades Of Black (2016) Review

Surviving Christmas (2004) Review

Ben Affleck has performed a remarkable career turnaround in the past few years, re-establishing his credibility as both an actor and director with such recent fare as “Gone Girl” and the Oscar-winning “Argo”. It’s hard to believe that he was once one of the most reviled and derided actors in Hollywood. Well, in holiday miracle … Continue reading Surviving Christmas (2004) Review

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015) Review

I haven't actually watched any of the previous "Paranormal Activity" films, and am mostly familiar with them through spoofs of their initially ground-breaking approach to 'found footage' films. It turns out this was actually adequate preparation for the sixth installment in the franchise as, for the first thirty minutes or so I thought I might … Continue reading Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015) Review

Vampire Academy (2014) Review

“Vampire Academy” is something of a pioneer in the oversaturated young adult adaptation field. Using nothing but a derivative rag bag assortment of tropes and gimmicks from other, better works, it manages to achieve a near-perfect awfulness that almost guarantees it a picture in the dictionary next to the definition of ‘nadir’. Based on the … Continue reading Vampire Academy (2014) Review

The Hungover Games (2014) Review

You know what's funny? Mashing together a whole bunch of pop culture movie references and characters, jam them into an untidy and illogical chimera of two film franchises, one of which self-destructed thanks to its own sequels and then throw it at the screen to see what sticks. Oh wait, not funny – what’s the … Continue reading The Hungover Games (2014) Review

The Pyramid (2014) Review

Cheaply made, appallingly written, terribly acted and aggressively dumb, no matter how bad you think “The Pyramid” might be, the reality is worse. When a previously unknown pyramid is discovered in the Egyptian desert during the Arab Spring uprising, the archaeological team decide to use their remaining couple of hours before they are evacuated to … Continue reading The Pyramid (2014) Review

Craggus’ Christmas Countdown Day 13: The Town That Cancelled Christmas (aka A Merry Little Christmas) (2006)

Even Craggus' Christmas Countdown isn't immune to the dark powers of Friday 13th which is why today brings us "The Town That Cancelled Christmas". I don’t think it ever had a theatrical release and I don’t know whether to call “The Town That Cancelled Christmas” (known as “A Merry Little Christmas” in the USA) made … Continue reading Craggus’ Christmas Countdown Day 13: The Town That Cancelled Christmas (aka A Merry Little Christmas) (2006)

Walking On Sunshine (2014) Review

You only need to look at the poster to know that the makers of “Walking On Sunshine” (released in cinemas Friday 27th June) saw “Mamma Mia!” and thought ‘that looks really easy – I bet we could do that’. But where “Mamma Mia!” is a carefully crafted jukebox musical based on Abba’s phenomenal back catalogue … Continue reading Walking On Sunshine (2014) Review