Star Trek: Discovery – Will You Take My Hand? (S1E15) Review

*SPOILERS* I’d be lying if I said I was boldly going in to the season finale. The going has been pretty rough at times and with a series that’s proved itself so inept at delivering payoffs to its (often admittedly impressive) setups, part of me dreaded the thought of what such a series would do … Continue reading Star Trek: Discovery – Will You Take My Hand? (S1E15) Review

Justice League Of America (1997) Review

As long-time readers will be aware, I’ve not been overly impressed by the efforts of the DCEU thus far. What better way, then, to cleanse my cinematic palate before “Justice League” than by taking in the 1997 failed pilot “Justice League Of America”, a film that sets the bar so low, it buries it? When … Continue reading Justice League Of America (1997) Review

My Little Pony: The Movie (1986) Review

It may seem hard to believe, but there was a time, not so long ago, when toy companies would licence out their IPs to animation studios to crank out a quick cash-in feature film, caring less for the quality of the end result than they do now. In 1986, having seen the success enjoyed by … Continue reading My Little Pony: The Movie (1986) Review

Flatliners (2017) Review

I’m pretty sure that, in a limbo competition, no matter how low the bar is set, it’s still considered cheating to dig your way under, but that doesn’t stop 2017’s “Flatliners” from boring straight down, aiming for rock bottom. Driven by a family tragedy, ambitious medical student Courtney (Ellen Page) seeks to find out what … Continue reading Flatliners (2017) Review

Harbinger Down (2015) Review

In 2010, Amalgamated Dynamics were hired to create the practical special effects for the 2011 “The Thing” prequel. Before the film was released, however, the majority of the effects work was digitally replaced in post-production by CGI. Amalgamated Dynamics were apparently pretty upset about it – it wasn’t the first film they’d been involved in … Continue reading Harbinger Down (2015) Review

The Last Shark (1981) #SharkWeak Review

“Jaws” was a huge box office success, one of – if not the first – bona fide summer blockbusters and in its wake came many, many crappy cash-ins, like remoras swimming after a real shark. “The Last Shark” is one of the most blatant – and most entertainingly laughable – remoran rip-offs out there. Produced … Continue reading The Last Shark (1981) #SharkWeak Review

Dark Tide (2012) #SharkWeak Review

With Michael Caine added to our rogue’s gallery, we’re on a roll now. Next up, we’ve got none other than the star of “Catwoman” herself, Halle Berry as Kate, a freediving shark expert whose business is struggling to stay afloat after a tragic accident in which one of her crew died. Once dubbed a ‘shark … Continue reading Dark Tide (2012) #SharkWeak Review

Avalanche Sharks (2014) #SharkWeak Review

“Avalanche Sharks” offers us a grab bag of plot elements as native American supernatural snow shark spirits come back to haunt the residents and visitors of a ski resort. The film does actually provide an avalanche but it’s not really that integral to the plot. Originally planned as a sequel to “Sand Sharks”, it’s another … Continue reading Avalanche Sharks (2014) #SharkWeak Review

Monster Island (2017) Review

Exclusive to Cineworld Cinemas in the UK (although I suspect the bidding wasn’t particularly fierce), “Monster Island” is running in their Movies For Juniors range as a school holiday time waster. When young Lucas transforms into a monster in front of his entire class at the coolest party of the year, he suddenly has a … Continue reading Monster Island (2017) Review

Once Bitten (1985) Review

Available right now on Netflix, "Once Bitten" is a decidedly anaemic sex comedy that's been consigned to the crypt of forgotten Eighties comedies. But is it time for it to rise from the tomb once more? The Countess (Lauren Hutton) must feed on the blood of a young male virgin three times before Halloween each … Continue reading Once Bitten (1985) Review

Cars 2 (2011) Review

After the box office bonanza driven by “Cars”, notoriously sequel averse studio Pixar wasted no time in greenlighting a sequel to the metaphorically muddled racing movie. And much like “Toy Story 2” started out as a direct-to-video sequel which was promoted to the big screen, “Cars 2” starts out with the mentality of a cash-grab … Continue reading Cars 2 (2011) Review

The Circle (2017) Review

Available right now on Netflix, this 2017 techno-thriller seems to have a lot going for it: a cast that includes Tom Hanks, Emma Watson, Karen Gillan, John Boyega and Bill Paxton in his final role and a plot focussed on subject matter lifted directly from news headlines. So it’s something of a surprise that it … Continue reading The Circle (2017) Review

Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) Review

Have you checked your kitchen recently? Chances are the sink might be missing; stolen by Michael Bay to throw into his latest robots-in-disguise extravaganza “Transformers: The Last Knight”. It's no secret that Paramount Pictures have assembled a writer’s room to spin their Hasbro franchise into an expansive shared universe but “The Last Knight” suggests they … Continue reading Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) Review

The Mummy (2017) Review

Released in the UK the same day another leader saw plans to increase her power and turn the world to her will falter, “The Mummy” suggests Universal’s “Dark Universe” gambit will meet a similarly ignominious fate. Again. When solider-of-fortune Nick Morton (Tom Cruise) stumbles across an Egyptian tomb after an air strike, he unwittingly releases … Continue reading The Mummy (2017) Review

The Boss Baby (2017) Review

Not since Disney/ Pixar’s “Cars” has an animated movie presented such an incoherent and illogical fictional world as “The Boss Baby” does. Facing an existential threat, Baby Corp sends an undercover operative (Alec Baldwin) to live with the Templeton family to find out what the Templeton parents know about Puppy Co’s plan to launch a … Continue reading The Boss Baby (2017) Review

Fifty Shades Darker (2017) Review

Soulless, mechanical and delivered with a sense of resigned obligation second only to the “Divergent” franchise, “Fifty Shades Darker” skulks into cinemas with all the romance and fantasy of a discarded Mills & Boon paperback fished out of a sewer. Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is living her life when Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) returns to … Continue reading Fifty Shades Darker (2017) Review

Nine Lives (2016) Review

I think we can safely say that whatever deal with the Devil Kevin Spacey made to have such a glittering career, his tab has been called in. “Nine Lives” is a film which feels about thirty years out of time, inspired by a much more recent phenomenon. When driven billionaire Tom ‘Fire’ Brand prioritises his … Continue reading Nine Lives (2016) Review

Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016) Review

Okay. Enough already. This one-joke franchise has more than outstayed its welcome and this flabby, facile and unfocussed fourth outing should (but won’t) mark the end of it. From the tediously laboured “Star Wars”-themed opening, the whole thing feels tired and dated. The pre-credits sequence set in Vegas immediately underlines the cheapness of the whole … Continue reading Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016) Review

Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2016) Review

Clearly Jason Lee is comfortable subordinating to selfish, arrogant, bossy and manipulative pipsqueaks with trademark conspicuously central dental arrangements. Scientology will have taught him that. I guess those dianetics courses aren’t cheap, though, hence why Lee continues to subject himself to the indignity of these increasingly slapdash and lazy sequels. When a series of misunderstandings … Continue reading Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2016) Review

12 To The Moon (1960) Review

*SPOILERS* “12 To The Moon” is a bad movie. Like, really bad. As if someone set out to make the worst movie they possibly could and really excelled themselves bad. This 1960 Z-grade sci-fi thriller tells the story of the first multi-national manned mission to the Moon. Crewed by representatives from twelve nations plus two monkeys, … Continue reading 12 To The Moon (1960) Review

Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011) Review

I really enjoyed “Quarantine”; it was fast paced and energetic. It was chaotic and this brought with it the scary thrill factor you want and expect from a film like this. The gist being there's a crazy virus causing rage/ violence/ zombification. Anyone in the vicinity is at risk and the only form of control … Continue reading Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011) Review

The Watch (2012) Review

Some films never really escape development hell, and “The Watch” spent four miserable years stuck in rewrites and recastings before finally limping into cinemas just in time for its marketing to be hastily pulled in the wake of real life tragedy. In retrospect, they should have just let this slip ignominiously to a quiet direct-to-DVD … Continue reading The Watch (2012) Review

Monsters: Dark Continent (2015) Review

I can’t think of another sequel that shits so thoroughly over the original like this since “Highlander 2: The Quickening”. Gone is the poetic mystery and ethereal majesty of the original and in its place is a ham-fisted metaphor for the war on terror which plays out like a SyFy original movie cobbled together from … Continue reading Monsters: Dark Continent (2015) Review

Unfinished Business (2015) Review

It’s a rare thing for me to hate a movie so intensely while watching it, but within half an hour Vince Vaughan’s latest ‘comedy vehicle’ had me surreptitiously checking IMDB on my phone to see what the running time was. If it had been anything more than the 91 [excruciating] minutes listed, I may have … Continue reading Unfinished Business (2015) Review

Blackhat (2015) Review

Veteran director Michael Mann’s latest takes the charismatic screen presence of Chris Hemsworth and the white hot topicality of computer hacking and combines them into a muddled and painfully dull misfire that sacrifices drama and spectacle in favour of technical accuracy. When a Chinese Nuclear Power Station is subject to a hacking attack which destroys … Continue reading Blackhat (2015) Review

A Haunted House 2 (2014) Review

Oh boy. When will I learn? Looking back, I enjoyed the first “A Haunted House” enough to give it a (with hindsight generous) 6/10 so I was actually looking forward to this sequel. That’s the real horror of this exceedingly poor succession of hit and miss gags, most of which miss by a mile. Whereas … Continue reading A Haunted House 2 (2014) Review

Zombeavers (2014) Review

I had such high hopes for "Zombeavers". Okay, maybe high isn't the right word. Moderate hopes? Well, in any event I guess I was hoping for a goofy, gruesome and funny schlockfest befitting its kooky central concept. The fact that it was from the producers of "American Pie", "Cabin Fever" and "The Ring" even gave … Continue reading Zombeavers (2014) Review

30 Nights Of Paranormal Activity With The Devil Inside The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2012) Review

As I think I’ve admitted before, I've got a real soft spot for spoof movies. I’ve got a pretty high tolerance for scattergun comedy – I even found some things to enjoy in "Disaster Movie" – but this one really pushed its luck. There's more to making a spoof than just cramming in as many pop-culture … Continue reading 30 Nights Of Paranormal Activity With The Devil Inside The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2012) Review

Sex Tape (2014) Review

Clearly the reunion of the director and stars of 2011’s amusingly bawdy “Bad Teacher” was intended to replicate that film’s edginess and success. Unfortunately, the result is an egregiously foul-mouthed, unfunny sex comedy that only goes to show just how good at these kinds of movies Judd Apatow is and how tricky it is to … Continue reading Sex Tape (2014) Review

The Nut Job (2014) Review

Like its fellow Weinstein distributed stable mate “Escape From Planet Earth”, “The Nut Job” reaches the UK some months after it made its Stateside debut, but it really shouldn’t have bothered making the trans-Atlantic trip. When an attempt to rob a nut cart goes disastrously wrong and destroys the park’s food stores for the winter, … Continue reading The Nut Job (2014) Review

Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) Review

Sequels, eh? Always got to go bigger and outdo the one before. Of course, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But what if it’s totally, embarrassingly inept, shouldn’t you try and fix it just a tiny little bit? Not if you’re the makers of “Sharknado 2: The Second One”. No, siree. Instead, they demonstrate … Continue reading Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) Review

Diana (2013) Review

There’s nothing in this flat, uninspired biopic which will change your opinion on the late Diana, Princess of Wales whatever it was: either a precious, much wronged saintly victim of a callous and cruel establishment or an arch-manipulator, all too aware of and willing to use the vast, unquestioning affection she commanded. This overly soapy film … Continue reading Diana (2013) Review

Craggus’ Trek Trek – Star Trek: Nemesis (2004) Review

In the four year gap between "Star Trek: Insurrection" and "Star Trek: Nemesis", much had changed. "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and "Star Trek: Voyager" had finished and Rick Berman's ultimate plan had reached fruition: the blandest, most uninteresting "Star Trek" ever was currently setting the airwaves a-snooze with "Enterprise". Apart from Berman and the … Continue reading Craggus’ Trek Trek – Star Trek: Nemesis (2004) Review

Sabotage (2014) Review

I’ve consulted the Oxford English Dictionary, Webster’s and even urbandictionary.com and none of them provide a definition of “Sabotage” which relates to any of the events in this flaccid, misogynistic, excessively violent and profanity-laden film. Saved from the straight-to-DVD bargain bin by the presence of Arnold Schwarzenegger, “Sabotage” is more of a mystery thriller than the … Continue reading Sabotage (2014) Review

Transcendence (2014) Review

If it wasn’t for Johnny Depp’s involvement, this very, very ordinary thriller would likely have been a direct to DVD release. In the nineties. Marking the directorial debut of cinematographer (and frequent Christopher Nolan collaborator) Wally Pfister, “Transcendence” is a clichéd, poorly structured and ultimately nonsensical techno thriller. On the cusp of a major breakthrough … Continue reading Transcendence (2014) Review

After Earth (2013) Review

I’ve previously suggested that 2013 was a pretty good year for sci-fi, but it wasn’t all Romulan Ale & Triffids (okay, you come up with a better sci-fi version of wine & roses). In amongst all the good stuff, we also got this indulgent, ill-conceived monstrosity: a testament to ego and self-indulgence starring Jaden Smith, … Continue reading After Earth (2013) Review

Devil’s Due (2014) Review

It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen a really good supernatural horror film. And my wait continues. “Devil’s Due” isn’t a horror film, it’s just a horrible film. Guilty of every tired cliché of the increasingly played out 'found footage' genre, this is an intriguing premise stripped of any sense of suspense or fear … Continue reading Devil’s Due (2014) Review