Monster Family (2018) Review

This Anglo-German animation, based on a 4D movie ride at UK tourist attraction Wookey Hole, should definitely give Disney, Pixar and Illumination pause for thought. Specifically, the thought that they can phone it in for their next movie because there’s zero threat to their crown on the horizon. When a lonely Dracula (Jason Isaacs) identifies … Continue reading Monster Family (2018) Review

Star Trek: Discovery – The War Without, The War Within (S1E14) Review

*SPOILERS* Oh man, have you seen “The Cloverfield Paradox”? No, of course not because Monday night is “Star Trek: Discovery” night! As we learned last week, the USS Discovery has been missing for nine months and the baby of destiny that’s gestated in that time is an imminent Klingon victory. While they wait to make … Continue reading Star Trek: Discovery – The War Without, The War Within (S1E14) Review

Jigsaw (2017) Review

I have some friends who are super into ‘Escape Room’ puzzles. I kind of wished they were with me when I saw “Jigsaw”, so they could offer me some tips on the fastest escape route from the cinema. It’s not quite cut-your-own-foot-off-to-avoid-watching bad, but it’s pretty close. Ten years after the notorious serial killer Jigsaw’s … Continue reading Jigsaw (2017) Review

Geostorm (2017) Review

Imagine if you took the MacGuffin from “Highlander 2: The Quickening” and gave it to the Kansas State Board of Education to reframe it using their expertise in science before summarising it in crayon on a children’s menu placemat and you’ll be pretty close to how I imagine the pitch meeting for “Geostorm” went. That … Continue reading Geostorm (2017) Review

Descendants 2 (2017) Review

Stretching the definition of ‘Original’ almost to breaking point, Disney Original Movie “Descendants 2” takes us back to the world where all the Disney Classics have been reimagined and remixed into a glossy tween fantasy soap opera. As Mal (Dove Cameron) struggles to acclimatise to a life of being good, back on the Isle of … Continue reading Descendants 2 (2017) Review

Dinoshark (2010) #SharkWeak Review

The film opens with a baby Dinoshark swimming away from a broken chunk of Arctic glacier that calved due to global warming. Three apparently uneventful years later, the Dinoshark is a ferocious predatory adult and starts killing tourists and locals off the shores of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Our hero, Trace, is the first to notice … Continue reading Dinoshark (2010) #SharkWeak Review

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda (2014) #SharkWeak Review

SyFy movie! Some fun, all gimmicks Two creature ideas go round having fights Round having fights, round having fights Two creature ideas go round having fights Round having fights, round having fights Guess who's back? Back again? Sharktopus! Tell a friend Guess who's back? guess who's back? Guess who's back? guess who's back? They created … Continue reading Sharktopus vs Pteracuda (2014) #SharkWeak Review

Sand Sharks (2012) #SharkWeak Review

Well would you look at this, a faint vestige of production values and technical ability! We even have a star name attached (Corin Nemec, “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose”, “Stargate: SG-1”). Now, there is actually a species of shark named sand shark but this film has little use for them. Instead, we’re still stuck with the … Continue reading Sand Sharks (2012) #SharkWeak Review

Mother’s Day (2016) Review

A limp and saccharine end to a great career, “Mother’s Day” forms the third and final part of Gary Marshall’s ensemble holiday-themed dramedy trilogy and, despite how bad “Valentine’s Day” was, “Mother’s Day” still finds enough depths to plumb to ensure it adheres to the law of trilogies. In the build-up to Mother’s Day – … Continue reading Mother’s Day (2016) Review

xXx: Return Of Xander Cage (2017) Review

We may be marking the return of Xander Cage, but did anyone really notice he was away? 2002’s “xXx” was a dumb but fun extreme action adventure, a 90’s ‘attitude’ hangover given a last millennial hurrah. Cage never felt as iconic as the film believed him to be, hence his easy replacement by Ice T’s … Continue reading xXx: Return Of Xander Cage (2017) Review

Inferno (2016) Review

Even a symbologist as obtuse and oblivious as Robert Langdon can’t miss the obvious signs that this franchise is dead. Bloated, boring and often incoherent, “Inferno” looks to Dante for inspiration but it’s the audience who are made to sit through nine levels of Hell. When a dazed and amnesiac Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) awakens … Continue reading Inferno (2016) Review

Norm Of The North (2016) Review

Just in time for “Zootropolis” to crush it under-hoof, “Norm Of The North” lands in cinemas to give us a timely reminder of just how bad animated movies can be. When the arctic (the “North” in this case refers to northern Canada) comes under threat from an unscrupulous developer, Norm – a Polar Bear who … Continue reading Norm Of The North (2016) Review

Doctor Who: Sleep No More (S9E09) Review

*SPOILERS* “Love And Monsters”, “Blink”, “Midnight”, “Turn Left”…“Doctor Who” has often been happy to experiment with its storytelling format (but thankfully only dabbled once in fellatiory paving stone humour). “Sleep No More” pushes the boundaries further than ever before, and in doing so reminds us why those boundaries existed in the first place. The episode … Continue reading Doctor Who: Sleep No More (S9E09) Review

Quantum Of Solace (2008) Review

I don’t really want to spend much time on “Quantum Of Solace”. After all the producers clearly didn’t. The shortest Bond film in the whole series, it’s still not short enough. Developed from a plot created by Michael G Wilson, the script was drafted by the “Casino Royale” team of Neal Purvis, Robert Wade and … Continue reading Quantum Of Solace (2008) Review

Bad Johnson (2014) Review

Retitled “Schlong Story” for the UK (like that’s an improvement), not even its zany premise and a new title is enough to save this miscast, misogynist misfire. Rich Johnson (Cam Gigandet), a serial womaniser just can’t help ruining one relationship after another. One day he glibly wishes his dick would stop getting him into trouble, … Continue reading Bad Johnson (2014) Review

Final Destination 5 (2011) Review

Always at the more tongue-in-cheek end of the horror scale, the previous four instalments of the “Final Destination” franchise have been gruesomely lightweight shock fests, full of invention and sly dark comedy although they haven’t been immune to the law of diminishing returns. But this fifth instalment…? Meh. This time around, the precognitive vision which … Continue reading Final Destination 5 (2011) Review

The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones (2013) Review

Despite some handsome production values, and a game cast doing their best, it's hard to escape the conclusion that "The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones" is little more than derivative, uninspired fan fiction crammed with so much supernatural and romantic wish fulfilment that at times I felt I was watching 'Fifty Shades Of Octarine'. When … Continue reading The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones (2013) Review

47 Ronin (2013) Review

It’s hard to write a review for a mediocre film. Neither particularly good nor particularly bad, the lack of distinguishing features makes it hard to find a hook to hang the write-up on. Great films are easier, because the passion and enthusiasm they provoke make you want to share everything you loved about the experience. … Continue reading 47 Ronin (2013) Review

The Internship (2013) Review

There are often complaints when product placement is too blatant, too obvious; distracting you from the story of the movie you’re watching. Google would be well within their rights to object to the fact that someone has placed subtle, almost imperceptible, hints of characters and a narrative within their one hundred and nineteen minute long … Continue reading The Internship (2013) Review