Beware The Slenderman (2017) Review

“Beware the Slenderman” is a 2017 documentary which examines the real-life incident in which two girls attempted to murder one of their friends, to appease the Slender Man, a fictional creepy past monster who was created in 2009 as part of a photoshop contest on somethingawful.com. Using real-life footage of court proceedings, various YouTube videos, … Continue reading Beware The Slenderman (2017) Review

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The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time (2018) #SharkWeak2 Review

So it’s come to this: The Last Sharknado. Can I get that in writing? Me and the Sharknado films have had quite the trajectory. At first I was like: ‘this is a joke’. Then I was like, ‘No, seriously, is this a joke?’ And then I was like ‘okay, that was actually pretty funny’ followed … Continue reading The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time (2018) #SharkWeak2 Review

Empire Of The Sharks (2017) #SharkWeak2 Review

“Empire Of The Sharks” scores an early win with a mention of ‘trained ninja sharks’, a formidable weapon on a post-apocalyptic, flooded ecosystem. A biosphere covered entirely in water. An oceanic globe. An aquatic planet. Hmm. If only there was an easy way of saying it... On a future earth where 98% of the surface … Continue reading Empire Of The Sharks (2017) #SharkWeak2 Review

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (2014) #SharkWeak2 Review

Previously, on “Mega Shark vs...”, our fishy anti-hero and his reptilian rival were poached to death by an underwater volcano, and it would appear that was indeed that. But fear not, a drought in the Mediterranean has prompted an entrepreneur to tow an iceberg to the afflicted area but – wouldn’t you know it – … Continue reading Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (2014) #SharkWeak2 Review

Swamp Shark (2011) #SharkWeak2 Review

“Swamp Shark” sees us returning to the safe waters of the insert-unusual-place-in-front-of-the-word-‘shark’ format and this time we return to the Louisiana bayou for a third time, once again in the company of Kristy Swanson, this time tackling our first proper cryptid critter of #SharkWeak2. When an animal smuggler accidentally releases a rare and exotic shark … Continue reading Swamp Shark (2011) #SharkWeak2 Review

Shark In Venice (2008) #SharkWeak2 Review

A movie so non-union equivalent it could have been directed by Senor Spielbergo himself, “Shark In Venice” dives deep into classic Spielbergian action adventure (in ambition if not quite execution) and boasts a cast led by undeniable Hollywood A-list-adjacent talent. When his father disappears while diving in the city of Venice, David ([Stephen] Baldwin) travels … Continue reading Shark In Venice (2008) #SharkWeak2 Review

Sharkman (2005) #SharkWeak2 Review

We’re back in the realms of mad science with 2005’s “Sharkman” (the internet’s most often confused movie. It’s sometimes called “Hammerhead” and not to be confused with the apparently unavailable (believe me I tried) 2001 film “Sharkman” from which I think the poster I’ve used is taken but plenty of other sites credit this to … Continue reading Sharkman (2005) #SharkWeak2 Review

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018) Review

*SPOILER WARNING* Donna is dead to begin with. As dead as a doornail. It’s just one of the many, many ways this sequel unpicks all the happy endings of the first movie to cynically give itself a reason to exist. Preparing for the grand opening of the Hotel Bella Donna, Sophie (Amanda Seyfried) is working … Continue reading Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018) Review

The First Purge (2018) Review

What better viewing choice on the 4th of July than the latest instalment in the satirical horror series, one that goes back to the beginning and commemorates the very start of the decline of the land of the so-called free? “The First Purge” sets out to explain just how a society could come to adopt … Continue reading The First Purge (2018) Review

Sicario 2: Soldado (2018) Review

It’s impossible to view “Sicario 2: Soldado” in isolation from the current real-world events along America’s southern border. Indeed, the film finds itself cruelly separated from the comfort of director Denis Villeneuve and cinematographer Roger Deakins' reassuring presence. Also discarded is Emily Blunt’s FBI agent Kate Macer and with her any shred of conscience “Sicario” … Continue reading Sicario 2: Soldado (2018) Review

Hereditary (2018) Review

After the expertly curated, nerve-shredding trailer, I went into “Hereditary” with a great deal of trepidation (I’m a little bit of a horror wuss) but of all the myriad emotional states I was nervously anticipating, I never expected to be bored. Following the death of her estranged mother, Annie (Toni Collette) is forced to confront … Continue reading Hereditary (2018) Review

Dark Forest (2015) Review

It’s not often that Sweetie G and I disagree strongly about a movie, except of course for “World War Z” but we don’t have time to get in that here. Suffice to say, when we were asked to take a look at independent Canadian horror who could have guessed it would bear comparison to that … Continue reading Dark Forest (2015) Review

Sherlock Gnomes (2018) Review

Following in the footsteps of the Man Of Steel and Captain America, Gnomeo and Juliet become the latest characters to have their sequel hijacked by a bunch of different characters as the franchise tries to position itself as a vehicle to reimagine classic British literature, a sort of anthology of garden toy stories. When garden … Continue reading Sherlock Gnomes (2018) Review

Blockers (2018) Review

Staggering its way into cinemas, “Blockers” strikes a clumsy blow for equality by showing that dumb, crass, tasteless teenage sex comedies aren’t just for boys anymore. Yay, equality? Three friends make a pact to lose their virginity on prom night but when one of their parents accidentally intercepts a text conversation, their parents band together … Continue reading Blockers (2018) Review

Guardians (2017) Review

In “Captain America: Civil War”, when discussing the Sokovia Accords, Vision concedes that ‘Our very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict breeds catastrophe.’ If the MCU's strength is undeniable, “Guardians” is the catastrophe. During the Cold War, a secret Soviet Army division called Patriot conducted genetic experiments on citizens, creating mutations with dangerous … Continue reading Guardians (2017) Review

Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018) Review

The original “Pacific Rim” was a deceptively simple rock-‘em, sock-‘em giant robots versus giant monsters movie, blessed with a sumptuous visual elegance, an ocular feast of inky darkness and shadows and iridescent neons and a sly, witty self-awareness that knew just how to push its outlandish premise. It’s sequel, on the other hand, drags the … Continue reading Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018) Review

Seven Seconds Season One Review

Given the escalating events over the past few years involving the treatment of young black men in the United States, “Seven Seconds” is a show that feels like it’s been a long time coming but, hopefully, will not age well as time goes by. Peter Jablonski (Beau Knapp), a young white cop starting out as … Continue reading Seven Seconds Season One Review

Better Watch Out (2017) Review

Beaten to the Christmas punch by Netflix’ “The Babysitter”, “Better Watch Out” is the latest home inversion thriller to try to shake up the genre, a sort of festive slasher snow globe of adolescent toxic masculinity and entitlement. In the snowy suburbs, a babysitter finds herself having to defend her twelve-year-old charge from a home … Continue reading Better Watch Out (2017) Review

Trolls Holiday (2017) Review

Opening with a bright and cheery fuzzy felt scrapbook retelling of the story of the “Trolls” movie, “Trolls Holiday” picks up where that story left off, with the Bergens seeking a replacement for Trollstice. When Queen Poppy (Anna Kendrick) realises the Bergens now have no holiday, she’s determined to set things straight. With her usual … Continue reading Trolls Holiday (2017) Review

The Snowman (2017) Review

With apologies to Robert Lopez, Kristen Anderson-Lopez, and Kristen Bell... Do you want to see “The Snowman”? It’s not really all that good, It’s got Fassbender And Ferguson But neither’s in the nude... They adapted Nesbø’s novel And now we've got This dreary murder myst’ry Do you want to see “The Snowman”? You might not … Continue reading The Snowman (2017) Review

Star Trek: Discovery – Choose Your Pain (S1E05) Review

*SPOILERS* There’s plenty to chew over in this week’s cold open but chew it well because you might choke on what follows in the rest of the episode. Having been called in by Starfleet Command to be told off for doing exactly what he was ordered to do, Lorca finds his journey back to the … Continue reading Star Trek: Discovery – Choose Your Pain (S1E05) Review

The Lego Ninjago Movie (2017) Review

The latest entry in the Lego feature film franchise is also its most blatantly cynical toy commercial, offering little in return for your forked over ticket money other than a needlessly starry cast, a weak storyline and a massive middle finger to fans of the original cartoon series. When evil Lord Garmadon (Justin Theroux) launches … Continue reading The Lego Ninjago Movie (2017) Review

Spoof: Based On A True Movie (2017) Review

Once in a while, down in the depths of Netflix or Amazon Prime, you come across something so odd looking, it would be a dereliction of duty not to watch it. Or maybe that’s just me? In any event, it happened to me today while browsing for something to watch on Amazon Prime, I came … Continue reading Spoof: Based On A True Movie (2017) Review

Flatliners (1990) Review

Nineties with a capital 9, stripped of the rose-coloured shroud of nostalgia, Joel Schumacher’s morbid thriller emphasises the ‘flat’ in “Flatliners”. Inspired by the near-death experiences of patients, a  group of brilliant, ambitious medical students decide to probe beyond the veil to establish empirically what happens when you die. But as each of them becomes … Continue reading Flatliners (1990) Review

Vampires Suck (2010) Review

I’m unapologetically fond of dumb spoof movies. I’m sorry, but that’s just how I am. Oh, I can embrace the abstract intellectualism of Jonathan Glazer or disdain the nihilistic art house pretension of Nicholas Winding Refn till the cows come home, but a little bit of me is forever the sniggering school kid who watched, … Continue reading Vampires Suck (2010) Review

American Assassin (2017) Review

A victim of a terrorist attack after proposing to his girlfriend, Mitch Rapp (Dylan O’Brien) vows to avenge her death and sets out to track down the terrorists himself. His vendetta brings him to the attention of the CIA who induct him into the secret Orion black ops programme run by Stan Hurley (Michael Keaton) … Continue reading American Assassin (2017) Review

Inhumans (2017) Review

Remember a couple of years back when we were being teased by Vin Diesel about his potential casting as Black Bolt as the MCU geared up to introduce The Inhumans in a big budget feature film? Good times. Flash forward to the present day and instead, we get ‘visionary’ showrunner Scott Buck’s take on Marvel’s … Continue reading Inhumans (2017) Review

Sharktopus vs Whalewolf (2015) #SharkWeak Review

Unreleased and, so far, unbroadcast in the UK, "Sharktopus vs Whalewolf" sees the return of the sharp toothed tentacled menace, this time getting tangled up in genetic experimentation and voodoo as he does battle with the fearsome Whalewolf. Oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT: Sharktopus survives the events of “Sharktopus vs Pteracuda”. Shark Weak veteran Casper Van Dien … Continue reading Sharktopus vs Whalewolf (2015) #SharkWeak Review

Shark Attack 2 (2000) #SharkWeak Review

“Shark Attack 2”, the imaginatively named follow-up to 1999’s “Shark Attack” opens, as is traditional, with an unexpected shark attack. This time it’s a pair of scuba diving sisters and only one of them makes it back alive, albeit after managing to injure her attacker. For a brief moment, I wondered if we were in … Continue reading Shark Attack 2 (2000) #SharkWeak Review

Shark Attack (1999) #SharkWeak Review

If you’re worried that we’ve moved beyond the era of movie star led shark shenanigans, never fear: “Shark Attack” (kudos on the effort in titling this one, guys) brings us none other than Casper Van Dien and Ernie Hudson. Yes, the stars of “Starship Troopers”, “Ghostbusters” and “Congo” are giving up bugs and spooks and … Continue reading Shark Attack (1999) #SharkWeak Review

Planet Of The Sharks (2016) #SharkWeak Review

“Planet Of The Sharks” is the selachian sequel to “Waterworld” that nobody needed or even asked for. This is as high concept as SyFy movies come and, surprisingly, it’s actually pretty good fun. In the future, climate change has completely melted the polar ice caps and the entire world is under water. Humanity survives in … Continue reading Planet Of The Sharks (2016) #SharkWeak Review

Roboshark (2015) #SharkWeak Review

“Roboshark” is everything you expect it to be. Everything. An alien vessel approaches Earth, launching probes to study the planet but when one of the probes lands in the ocean and is swallowed by a shark, it promptly becomes Roboshark! It’s basically "Bananaman" but with sharks and robots. The special effects are very cartoony but … Continue reading Roboshark (2015) #SharkWeak Review

Sharktopus (2010) #SharkWeak Review

Leaving behind the shark + topographical feature formula, “Sharktopus” takes the opposite tack and raises the concept to dizzying new heights by splicing our predatory protagonist with the DNA of another famous movie monster. Commissioned by the US Navy, Dr Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts) creates a genetic hybrid between a great white shark and an … Continue reading Sharktopus (2010) #SharkWeak Review

Assassin’s Creed (2017) Review

The last collaboration between Director Justin Kurzel and Michael Fassbender left me feeling cheated that they’d cut too much out of the Scottish Play, rushing through it for the film adaptation, so it’s with not a little irony that I had the exact opposite experience with this polished but ponderously dull video game adaptation. For … Continue reading Assassin’s Creed (2017) Review

Cars 3 (2017) Review

“Cars 3” begins by doing what most right-thinking people do, which is pretending “Cars 2” simply doesn’t exist. It then moves on to hoping you don’t really remember “Cars” particularly well as it sets out to tell the same story once again, only this time it’s Lightning McQueen who’s the reigning champion raging at the … Continue reading Cars 3 (2017) Review

Baywatch (2017) Review

Another summer, another big screen adaptation of a cult favourite TV show. This time, it’s nineties T&A-fest “Baywatch” being dragged in to cinemas with the hope the megawatt star charisma of Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron will be enough to fill up the big screen. When disgraced Olympic champion swimmer Matt Brody (Zac Efron) is … Continue reading Baywatch (2017) Review

Snatched (2017) Review

For many, the idea of taking their Mum on holiday with them would be traumatic enough but this aimlessly rowdy comedy takes that nightmare scenario one step further. After quitting her job and being dumped by her boyfriend, Emily (Amy Schumer) is left holding the tickets to a non-refundable paid vacation in Ecuador. Left with … Continue reading Snatched (2017) Review

Doctor Who: The Lie Of The Land (S10E08)

So... six months have elapsed since the end of the last episode and as the Doctor’s clumsily unconvincing hagiography of the Monks’ occupation eludes to they feel like they’ve been there forever. Well, we’ve all had guests like that, haven’t we? Britain is in the grip of a totalitarian regime, with any thought, word or … Continue reading Doctor Who: The Lie Of The Land (S10E08)

Alien: Covenant (2017) Review

Do you think that somewhere, there’s a Twentieth Century Fox Executive kicking himself for not just giving Ridley Scott the money he wanted to make a sci-fi movie about the origin of intelligent life and the concept of meeting one’s creator? Maybe then we wouldn’t be here now, watching him tank the “Alien” franchise into … Continue reading Alien: Covenant (2017) Review

I.T. (2017) Review

If you thought lacklustre 2006 Harrison Ford cyber-thriller “Firewall” was just too action-packed, then have I got a movie for you. As self-made aviation millionaire Mike Regan (Pierce Brosnan) prepares to launch a new App (Uber for private jet billionaires) and take his company public, he asks an IT intern to come to his home … Continue reading I.T. (2017) Review

Doctor Who: Smile (S10E02) Review

Our second outing of Season 10 opens in media res, or at least feels like it and I’ll admit I rewound the live TV just in case I’d blinked and missed a few vital seconds. I hadn't. After a brief and pointed reminder from Nardole regarding the Doctor’s ‘Oath’ to protect whatever’s in that vault, … Continue reading Doctor Who: Smile (S10E02) Review

Sing (2017) Review

There are few animation studios which can cut a trailer together like Illumination Entertainment can. Unfortunately, outside of the “Despicable Me” movies, the finished products are increasingly failing to live up to the hype. When Buster Moon (Matthew McConaughey) realises his theatre is in financial trouble, he comes up with a sure-fire scheme to save it: … Continue reading Sing (2017) Review

Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans (2009) Review

Commissioned at the same time as the sequel “Underworld: Evolution” – before the original “Underworld” had even been released – “Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans” takes us back into the history of the Vampire/ Lycan conflict to explore a moment which had been fully and satisfyingly explained in two minutes of flashbacks in the first … Continue reading Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans (2009) Review

Monster Trucks (2016) Review

A premise so dumb it’s scarcely believable it made it out of a pitch meeting outside of the SyFy Original Movie writer’s room, “Monster Trucks” has been languishing, complete, in Paramount’s vaults for the past two years while the studio figured out what to make of it. Having seen it, I’m afraid I can’t help … Continue reading Monster Trucks (2016) Review

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them (2016) Review

A few years back, having brought the “Harry Potter” series to a successful conclusion, Director David Yates boldly declared he would be making a new “Doctor Who” movie, with a new actor in the role and a new continuity, separate from the long-running TV series. Then showrunner Steven Moffat shut that shit right down and … Continue reading Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them (2016) Review

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016) Review

2012’s “Jack Reacher” was something of a pleasant surprise. Although on paper a mismatch for Lee Child’s burly protagonist, Cruise’s screen presence was enough to pull off the role of the muscular and relentless investigator. Unfortunately, “Jack Reacher: Never Go Back” is just a ruthlessly efficient in justifying its own title. Framed for a crime … Continue reading Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016) Review

Mechanic: Resurrection (2016) Review

Rivalling “Suicide Squad” for worst editing of 2016, “Mechanic: Resurrection” is a confused and underwhelming mix of lush location footage and studio bound cut scenes which feel more “That Riviera Touch” than a modern action thriller. The pseudo-Bond exotic location hopping feels arbitrary and slapped together in service of a plot which promises much more … Continue reading Mechanic: Resurrection (2016) Review

The Shallows (2016) Review

A minimalist horror thriller which squanders its potential by opting for cliché over creativity, “The Shallows” has some genuine thrills to offer before things go off the deep end. Mourning the recent loss of her mother and seeking some direction, Nancy (Blake Lively) searches out a secret, hidden beach once visited by her mother before … Continue reading The Shallows (2016) Review

Suicide Squad (2016) Review

It wasn't supposed to be like this. By the time “Suicide Squad” rolled around, we were meant to be primed for a little down 'n' dirty fun to counterpoint the portentous deus ex machinations of the Titans of the DC universe duking it out in “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice”. Instead, things have turned … Continue reading Suicide Squad (2016) Review

Ice Age: Collision Course (2016) Review

There’s a tendency among long running movie series – especially those which have no business being there – to launch into outer space. And so, in its fifth and conspicuously tired outing, the “Ice Age” franchise looks to the heavens for salvation. When Scrat (the spiritual descendant of Wile E Coyote) accidentally reactivates a buried … Continue reading Ice Age: Collision Course (2016) Review