Surely they can’t think the Butler did it? Angel Has Fallen (2019)

As the third movie in the franchise, there was a specific burden on “Angel Has Fallen” to whit it’s a franchise tiebreaker. Mike Banning’s strike rate was balanced on a knife-edge: on one side, the solidly entertaining “Olympus Has Fallen”. On the other, the egregious shit show that is “London Has Fallen”. Good news, then, … Continue reading Surely they can’t think the Butler did it? Angel Has Fallen (2019)

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (2019) proves that Johnson and Statham can drive schtick

Having successfully reinvented and reinvigorated itself, the “Fast & Furious” franchise seemed to be an unstoppable juggernaut, with even the tragic loss of one of its founding cast members failing to rob it of any momentum. A pity, then, that the one thing the franchise seemed unable to overcome was the competing egos of its … Continue reading Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (2019) proves that Johnson and Statham can drive schtick

AssHat finds himself in the danger zone of giving a perfect score after playing with The Boys (2019)

The Boys TV Review

New from the creative minds (Seth Rogen and Garth Ennis) that adapted the dark, barbaric and satirical comic book "Preacher" for Amazon comes another bleak, cynical and darkly humourous tale in "The Boys". Based in a universe where superheroes walk amongst us, a sub-set of which are known as "The Seven" and are managed by … Continue reading AssHat finds himself in the danger zone of giving a perfect score after playing with The Boys (2019)

Luc Besson’s lacklustre spy thriller Anna (2019) offers little more than a vanilla Villanelle knockoff

Anna Review

Although it opens like “America’s Next Top Model: The Movie”, Luc Besson’s latest action-fest plays out more like a poor carbon copy of last year’s “Red Sparrow”. It’s certainly more fun than “Red Sparrow”, but that’s not a particularly high bar to clear. Anna (Sasha Luss) is a KGB honey trap agent working in Paris … Continue reading Luc Besson’s lacklustre spy thriller Anna (2019) offers little more than a vanilla Villanelle knockoff

After the epic and emotional Endgame, Marvel lightens the mood with N̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶L̶a̶m̶p̶o̶o̶n̶’̶s̶ Spider-Man’s European Vacation. Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019) Review

Spider-Man Far From Home Review

There’s a prominent poster in the support group scene in “Avengers: Endgame” which poses the question: ‘Where Do We Go Now That They’re Gone?’ and in many ways, that’s the exact question Peter Parker is wrestling with in “Spider-Man: Far From Home”. As he struggles to come to terms with the loss of his mentor … Continue reading After the epic and emotional Endgame, Marvel lightens the mood with N̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶L̶a̶m̶p̶o̶o̶n̶’̶s̶ Spider-Man’s European Vacation. Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019) Review

Bad CGI Sharks (2019) #SharkWeak3🦈 Review

Bad CGI Sharks Review

There are great shark movies. And there are bad shark movies. And then there are great bad shark movies. Opening this year’s Shark Weak 3, we take a look at a forthcoming movie that definitely falls into that latter category. Reminiscent of Shark Weak 2’s winner of the coveted and totally not made up ‘Golden … Continue reading Bad CGI Sharks (2019) #SharkWeak3🦈 Review

Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom (1984) deserves far more fortune and glory on its 35th Anniversary

Unjustly denigrated by fans, unfairly disowned by its creators, “Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom” has long had to fend off more than its fair share of criticism. Now, on its 35th Anniversary, it’s time this neglected middle child of the Indiana Jones saga got the praise it’s due. That rare sequel which doesn’t … Continue reading Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom (1984) deserves far more fortune and glory on its 35th Anniversary

John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum (2019) is the Ming vase of action cinema

John Wick 3 Review

Elevating high concept to dizzying new heights, director Chad Stahelski returns us to the world of John Wick exactly where he left us last time: having broken the assassins’ creed, Wick (Keanu Reeves) faces excommunication from The High Table, with a bounty large enough to tempt every assassin between New York and Timbuktu to have … Continue reading John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum (2019) is the Ming vase of action cinema

Well I’ll be damned. Hellboy (2019) is a special form of purgatory.

Hellboy 2019 Review

Hellboy (2019) is notably the movie Ed Skrein got the best notices of his entire career for – and he’s not actually in it. Unfortunately, it’s probably going to be the only good reviews this botched, bad-faith reboot is likely to get. During the Arthurian age, Nimue the Blood Queen (Milla Jovovich) is betrayed just … Continue reading Well I’ll be damned. Hellboy (2019) is a special form of purgatory.

The live action Kim Possible (2019) ends up more two-dimensional than the animated original

Kim Possible Disney Original Movie Review

Years and years ago, when Mertmas was a newborn, we’d always be on the lookout for something to watch during those early morning feeds. We’re talking way before the advent of on-demand entertainment although we did have Sky+ so we could watch previously recorded stuff but thankfully we didn’t have to. For some reason, the … Continue reading The live action Kim Possible (2019) ends up more two-dimensional than the animated original

Escape Room (2019) will have you searching for the nearest exit too.

There’s a laziness to “Escape Room” that’s hard to shake off. From its cookie-cutter characters to its predictable checkbox approach to disposing of its cast, it can’t seem to find the will to try and differentiate itself from its obvious influences. When six strangers receive mysterious invitations to participate in an Escape Room, they quickly … Continue reading Escape Room (2019) will have you searching for the nearest exit too.

Aquaman (2018) Review

Imagine, ten years ago, if someone had told you the future of the DC cinematic universe would rest on the shoulders of…Aquaman. Yeah, that Aquaman, the character who had only really made it into pop culture consciousness as a fish-wrangling joke. Fresh from the, if not triumph, then at least plummet-arresting crunching gear change of … Continue reading Aquaman (2018) Review

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-verse (2018) Review

Bringing the multiverse to your friendly neighbourhood multiplex, Sony have finally captured lightning in a bottle for the second time and created a great Spider-Man movie. With (literally) dazzling animation, a breezy and effervescent story and engaging character work, “Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse” delivers the first evidence that, with the right talent behind the camera, … Continue reading Spider-Man: Into The Spider-verse (2018) Review

Robin Hood (2018) Review

Unnecessary? Yes. Historically inaccurate? Ridiculously so. Fun? Absolutely, you miserable bunch. 2018’s “Robin Hood” sets out to put a modern #OccupySherwood spin on the age-old tale of the redistribution of medieval wealth and taken on its own bonkers terms, there’s a lot of fun to have with this bombastic fast and feudal adventure yarn. Sent … Continue reading Robin Hood (2018) Review

The Girl In The Spider’s Web (2018) Review

From the Bond-esque opening credits, it’s clear this soft reboot of the Millennium series is aiming for a more action-packed and adventurous take on the adventures of Lisbeth Salander than its beautiful but glacial predecessor. Contracted to steal the unstealable from the American Government, Lisbeth Salander (Claire Foy) finds herself caught up in an international … Continue reading The Girl In The Spider’s Web (2018) Review

Blade (1998) 20th Anniversary Review

Twenty years before “Black Panther”, Marvel partnered with New Line to release a black-led superhero movie which would see them help kick-start the current superhero boom as well as changing the course of their movie adaptations to that point. Born as his mother was dying from a vampire attack, Blade (Wesley Snipes) possesses all of … Continue reading Blade (1998) 20th Anniversary Review

Demolition Man (1993) 25th Anniversary Review

It’s been a quarter of a century since “Demolition Man” first blew us on screen, licking our ass and matching our meet with its blend of high-octane action and surprisingly prescient sci-fi. With only 14 years to go until Simon Phoenix and John Spartan are thawed out, it’s time to celebrate the movies 25th anniversary, … Continue reading Demolition Man (1993) 25th Anniversary Review

Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018) Review

If Hammer House Of Horror had produced “Spaced”, the result could have been a lot like “Slaughterhouse Rulez”. A common room home brew of British Boarding School classics like “If….” and “Goodbye, Mr. Chips” (the 1969 version specifically) mixed with “Ghostbusters” and dash of “Harry Potter”, this intoxicatingly lowbrow comedy horror offers a novel spin … Continue reading Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018) Review

Overlord (2018) Review

In the build-up to D-Day, Private Boyce (Jovan Adepo) and Corporal Ford (Wyatt Russell) believe they’re the only survivors of an ill-fated paratrooper mission behind enemy lines to knock out a radar jamming post so the Allies can provide air support for the beach landings. They eventually meet up with a few more survivors of … Continue reading Overlord (2018) Review

The Core (2003) Review

If “Battleship” is a dumb remake of “Independence Day” (itself a dumb remake of “War Of The Worlds”) then “The Core” is the dumbest possible reimagining of Jules Verne's “Journey To The Centre Of The Earth”, combining ludicrously inaccurate science with terrible characters and stupefying dialogue (“Hack The Planet!”) and yet, it’s a film I’ve … Continue reading The Core (2003) Review

Van Helsing (2004) Dractober Review

Universal have been trying to resurrect their Dark Universe for a lot longer than you may think. Back in 2004, emboldened by the quick one-two hits of “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns”, they decided to give director Stephen Sommers the whole Universal Monster toy box. Unfortunately, what he came up with was a textbook … Continue reading Van Helsing (2004) Dractober Review

The Legend Of The 7 Golden Vampires (1974) Dractober Review

Devoid of their Dracula, Hammer House Of Horror cast around for something else to stake their vampire franchise to. I’m guessing screenwriter Don Houghton must have been listening to the radio in his office One can only imagine that the radio was playing in writer Don Houghton’s Bray Studios office as he contemplated a blank … Continue reading The Legend Of The 7 Golden Vampires (1974) Dractober Review

The Satanic Rites Of Dracula (1973) Dractober Review

We start out where “Dracula A.D. 1972” ended: with terrible music. This time, though, it actually sort of fits because “The Satanic Rites Of Dracula” actually is a cheesy seventies spy thriller of sorts. When a secret agent barely escapes from a secretive country house where he witnesses a satanic ritual in progress, he uses … Continue reading The Satanic Rites Of Dracula (1973) Dractober Review

Johnny English Strikes Again (2018) Review

Like the banshee of the Bond franchise, appearing whenever that storied franchise finds itself mired in a creative or legal quagmire, Johnny English is back, summoned no doubt but the ongoing dithering over Bond 25. After a cyber-attack exposes the identities of all of the active undercover British agents, MI7 is forced to turn to … Continue reading Johnny English Strikes Again (2018) Review

The Predator (2018) Review

The Predator franchise hasn’t had as much bad luck as its studio stablemate the Alien. Sure they both clashed in a pair of adequate/ terrible movies but at least our favourite extra-terrestrial trophy hunter hasn’t appeared in anything as aggressively stupid as “Alien: Covenant”...until now, that is. When a renegade Predator crashes to Earth, hotly … Continue reading The Predator (2018) Review

Mile 22 (2018) Review

“Mile 22” is a movie every bit as toxically moronic, tone-deaf and self-flagellating as a daily schedule which starts the day at 2:30am for literally no good reason. It’s a hateful, ignorant and needlessly, excessively profane geopolitical cartoon scrawled in crayon on the bathroom stall of cinema; a Neanderthal cave painting, rendered in excrement. When … Continue reading Mile 22 (2018) Review

The Equalizer 2 (2018) Review

I’m enough of a fan of the original TV show “The Equalizer” to wish Antoine Fuqua had found a way to incorporate Stewart Copeland’s superb synth-driven theme tune into this modern reinterpretation. But my favourite part of the TV series was always the helping out of ‘the little guy’ rather than the bigger, over-arching spycraft … Continue reading The Equalizer 2 (2018) Review

Atomic Shark (2016) #SharkWeak2 Review

There’s no denying the ambition of this frankly barmy entry in the sharksploitation oeuvre, opening as it does with an ominous montage of underwater scenes intercut with Cold War newsreel footage and Robert Oppenheimer quotes. It’s the closest we get to a real explanation of how the shark became nuclear, so just go with it. … Continue reading Atomic Shark (2016) #SharkWeak2 Review

Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015) #SharkWeak2 Review

Sometime in the future, the world has yet to recover from the last mega shark attack. A voiceover tells us that the near total halt of global shipping plus a general avoidance of the coast and water by the population of the world has had a devastating economic impact. We’re told this over footage of … Continue reading Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015) #SharkWeak2 Review

3-Headed Shark Attack (2015) #SharkWeak2 Review

A 3-headed shark suddenly attacks a group of partying teenagers, killing all of them except one who was on a buoy while the rest of the teens were at the beach. The shark then proceeds to attack the Persephone, an underwater research facility studying the Pacific Garbage Patch. Some of the research personnel manage to … Continue reading 3-Headed Shark Attack (2015) #SharkWeak2 Review

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (2014) #SharkWeak2 Review

Previously, on “Mega Shark vs...”, our fishy anti-hero and his reptilian rival were poached to death by an underwater volcano, and it would appear that was indeed that. But fear not, a drought in the Mediterranean has prompted an entrepreneur to tow an iceberg to the afflicted area but – wouldn’t you know it – … Continue reading Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (2014) #SharkWeak2 Review

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus (2010) #SharkWeak2 Review

Way down deep in the middle of the Congo, an illegal diamond mining operation unearths a giant 150-foot crocodile because of course it does. At the same time, in the middle of the Atlantic, the US Navy warship USS Gibson (haha geddit? Because Debbie Gibson was in the first one but isn’t in this one. … Continue reading Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus (2010) #SharkWeak2 Review

Deep Blue Sea (1999) #SharkWeak2 Review

Fittingly, we open #SharkWeak2 not with a terrible shark movie, but with a surprisingly seminal one with many of the modern sharksploitation tropes finding their roots in this turn of the millennium action adventure. When rogue scientist Dr Susan McAlester (Saffron Burrows) makes a last-ditch appeal to her corporate sponsor Russell Franklin (Samuel L Jackson) … Continue reading Deep Blue Sea (1999) #SharkWeak2 Review

Ant-Man And The Wasp (2018) Review

Released as their 20th movie, in their 10th Anniversary year, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that “Ant-Man And The Wasp” is reassuringly reliable entertainment, exactly what we’ve come to expect from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. What may be unexpected is how well this tale works as a palate cleanser after the universe-altering … Continue reading Ant-Man And The Wasp (2018) Review

Last Action Hero (1993) 25th Anniversary Review

Perennially underrated, often unfairly maligned (even by Schwarzenegger himself) as his first real failure, ironic action movie masterpiece “Last Action Hero” is twenty-five years old this year and way overdue for a reappraisal. Danny Madigan (Austin O'Brien) prefers the movies to the trials and tribulations of real life, especially the adventures of his all-time favourite … Continue reading Last Action Hero (1993) 25th Anniversary Review

Mission: Impossible – Fallout (2018) Review

The unstoppable Tom Cruise, Movie StarTM is back in 2018’s best action movie bar none. “Fallout” completes a “Fast & Furious”-style transformation of the franchise and leaves its famously diminutive leading man head and shoulders above the rest of the action competition. When a mission to recover three stolen uranium cores is interrupted by the … Continue reading Mission: Impossible – Fallout (2018) Review

Hotel Artemis (2018) Review

I approached “Hotel Artemis” with an uneasy trepidation, born out of learning that it ran for a trim (these days) 96 minutes. My reasoning was simple: usually a high-concept star-powered action thriller that runs around the hour and a half mark is a sign of something going wrong and a desperate attempt to save the … Continue reading Hotel Artemis (2018) Review

Incredibles 2 (2018) Review

Picking up mere moments after the first film ended, “Incredibles 2” wastes no time in re-treading the same ground as its illustrious predecessor. Brad Bird had been reluctant to make a sequel to his superhero magnum opus until he figured out the right story. It turns out, the right story was pretty much the one … Continue reading Incredibles 2 (2018) Review

Skyscraper (2018) Review

Possibly one to avoid if you’re pyrophobic and, indeed, acrophobic, “Skyscraper” sees Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s security consultant tackle a towering inferno with a plucky, die-hard attitude. Injured when a hostage crisis ends in tragedy, FBI agent Will Sawyer (Dwayne Johnson) loses a leg and his appetite for frontline duty. Years later, he’s an independent … Continue reading Skyscraper (2018) Review

The Incredibles (2004) Review

There are very few films as perfect as “The Incredibles”. Not only does it work flawlessly as one of the finest ever examples of a superhero movie, it also serves as an insightful deconstruction and analysis of the genre itself and still finds time to satirise the rise of entitled fan culture with a prescience … Continue reading The Incredibles (2004) Review

The First Purge (2018) Review

What better viewing choice on the 4th of July than the latest instalment in the satirical horror series, one that goes back to the beginning and commemorates the very start of the decline of the land of the so-called free? “The First Purge” sets out to explain just how a society could come to adopt … Continue reading The First Purge (2018) Review

Happy! Season One Review

Former Detective Nick Sax is an alcoholic loner who relies on narcotics to fill his life with meaning and interest, in turn relying on his skills as a gun for hire to provide for his habits. However, after having a near death experience he is visited by Happy, a small blue flying unicorn which only … Continue reading Happy! Season One Review

Cliffhanger (1993) 25th Anniversary Review

Celebrating its UK release’s 25th Anniversary, “Cliffhanger” saw Sylvester Stallone return to the genre which had nurtured him after the critical and artistic losing streak which started with “Rocky V” and hit rock bottom with “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”. Teaming up with action director for hire Renny Harlin, Stallone delivered a stripped-back high … Continue reading Cliffhanger (1993) 25th Anniversary Review

The Best Of Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Fifteen years ago, “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” aired its final episode “Chosen” on Sky One here in the UK (some three weeks or so after its US airdate), so it’s the perfect time for Sweetie G – the person who introduced me to Buffy – and me to sit down and agree our Top Ten … Continue reading The Best Of Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018) Review

*SPOILERS, I GUESS (IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE TRAILERS)*I’ve long nurtured a theory about the Jurassic movie series, which is the secret ingredient to a really good “Jurassic Park” film isn’t the dinosaurs, it’s the park. “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” confirms the theory by breaking the deadlock 3 to 2. The dinosaurs are the ‘wow!’ … Continue reading Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018) Review

Deadpool 2 (2018) Review

Although I’m a little disappointed that they didn’t just stick with “Untitled Deadpool Sequel” as the official title, “Deadpool 2” brings the Merc with the mouth back, and he’s bolder than ever as he looks to avoid the pitfalls of the ‘difficult second album’. When Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds)’s cavalier attitude ends up costing him … Continue reading Deadpool 2 (2018) Review

Avengers: Infinity War (2018) Review

There was an idea: to bring together a group of remarkable franchises, to see if they could become something bigger. So when we wanted more, they could bring us the battles we never could’ve believed we’d ever see on the big screen. The Mad Titan is finally making his move and first to feel the … Continue reading Avengers: Infinity War (2018) Review

Craggus’ Countdown To Infinity: Black Panther (2018)

As he prepares to ascend to the throne of Wakanda, T’Challa (Chadwick Boseman) wrestles with his nation’s history of isolation and what that means in the modern world. But T’Challa’s troubles are compounded by the sins of his father whose actions decades previously have set in motion events which will culminate in a battle for … Continue reading Craggus’ Countdown To Infinity: Black Panther (2018)

Craggus’ Countdown To Infinity: Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

Driven by recurring dreams of the destruction of Asgard, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) allows himself to be captured by fire demon Surtur in order to pre-empt and prevent Ragnarok. Returning to Asgard, Thor forces Loki (Tom Hiddleston) to reveal himself and confess to where Odin (Anthony Hopkins) is being held. But Odin’s absence has and Loki’s … Continue reading Craggus’ Countdown To Infinity: Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

Craggus’ Countdown To Infinity: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

Following his adventure with the Avengers in Germany, Peter Parker (Tom Holland) finds himself back in Queens, New York, balancing his school days with nights spent patrolling the neighbourhood as Spider-Man. Mentored by Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr), Peter’s reluctant to return to the small-scale crime fighting he’s confronted with in his own neck of … Continue reading Craggus’ Countdown To Infinity: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)