What a croc of shit

Way down deep in the middle of the Congo, an illegal diamond mining operation unearths a giant 150-foot crocodile because of course it does. At the same time, in the middle of the Atlantic, the US Navy warship USS Gibson (haha geddit? Because Debbie Gibson was in the first one but isn’t in this one. That’s the kind of reference that keeps us down with the ‘Electric Youth’ of today) is attacked and sunk by the Megalodon that apparently, inevitably ended up surviving suffocation by the giant octopus and sinking without a trace in the middle of the Pacific in the first film. Terry McCormick (Jaleel White) alone survives the attack which occurred during his experiment with a sonic shark-repelling device. Meanwhile, a great white hunter, Nigel Putnam (Gary Stretch) manages to capture the giant crocodile, sedate it and has it loaded on a cargo ship. What could possibly go wrong? Well, first of all, they could make this film.

“Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus” somehow manages to outdo the previous film in terms of sheer boneheaded stupidity, crappy special effects and a phoned-in performance from a ‘big name’ who looks like they’d rather be anywhere but on the ‘set’ of this sub-par submarine showdown. Slumming it this time out is Star Trek: Voyager’s Robert Picardo as Admiral Calvin, exasperated leader of the anti-megalodon task force.

With a plot that involves prolific people munching, astonishing crocosaurus fecundity, the nuclearisation of the megalodon and a volcanic, Hawaiian finale that doesn’t so much stretch the modest effects budget as obliterate it, this is peak bad shark movie nonsense: an arbitrary chain of set pieces held together by tenuous talky exposition scenes which more often than not sound like apologies for what’s just occurred and/ or warnings about what’s to come. These films always walk a fine line between so-bad-it’s-good and just plain bad but the worst thing about this one is the sheer lack of effort or care that seems to be expended. I can tolerate a whole lot of nonsense and shoddy special effects but if the people making this didn’t give a toss, why should I?

And just when you think it’s over, there’s a post-credit scene which teases something about a ‘giant lizard in Japan’. Guess whether or not the (seemingly unavoidable) sequel picks up on that? SPOILER ALERT: It doesn’t.